I've been giving advice to people in the GLBT community on Keen for a few weeks now.  I don't think a day goes by that a caller doesn't provoke me to think.  I also give some general sex advice -- mostly explaining anatomy and the rules of safer sex to straight guys with vague questions.  I've had a couple transmen call, which is refreshing, but mostly I hear from men who suddenly realized they're gay.  Most of them are over forty, some are married, but the majority is split evenly between divorced and single. 

One particular gentleman has been popping into my mind a lot.  It was about two weeks ago.  He realized he was attracted to men, that women weren't sexually appealing, and he was quite distraught.  He genuinely had no idea what to do.  When I asked him the obvious question of, "Have you considered going to gay clubs, bars, or support groups?" his answer was an astounded, "No!" 

After I explained that it would be a good place to start, he asked, very timidly, "How will I know if a guy likes me?"

I was crushed.  Suddenly and most unexpectedly, the conversation went to an awkward place.  He sounded so small, so afraid of the men, that it was exactly like speaking with a twelve-year old girl.  I did the best I could, stoked his ego back up, and told him to email me if he had any other worries.

It really got me thinking, though.  What is it about men that turned this mid-forties divorcee into a trembling, doe-eyed little girl with one sentence?  Does the sudden realization that men are desirable immediately inspire fears of rejection?  Do men really have that kind of power?  I honestly don't think so, but maybe it's because I've always known men weren't the only option for me.  I've seen many a lesbian come out and not have this same trepidation.  They had fear, certainly, but it wasn't as regressive.  Are men so brutal that their presence turns every bar into a heart-hammering recreation of the first school dance? 

What's funny to me is that I've known a lot of men.  I've been One of the Boys, the Girlfriend, the Arm Candy, and the Mother Figure to different men at different times, and I've never known them to be all that judgmental.  I learnt the most being One of the Boys, getting to hear what they really think of women (and men) in their native habitat.  They're chill.  Yeah, they objectify people, and sometimes use the word "fatty" inappropriately, but they're not as snide, nasty, or cutting as women can be.

For some reason, even a slightly sarcastic compliment from a woman can sting for days longer than a simple, "Chubster" from a beer-guzzling fratboy.  I should know; I dole out the snideness with the best of them.

In spite of that, women are cool, too.  They can be more intuitive, they listen (or at least pretend to), and aren't stingy with the not-so-sarcastic compliments.  And you know what?  They objectify with the best of 'em.  (I know I sure do.) 

I've always liked to believe that the two genders really do understand each other, that people just impose their fears onto the unknown as a subconscious reflex, and this guy helped me reinforce my beliefs.  His fear of the variable within his own gender scared him silly, reducing him to the childhood notion of the Monster in the Closet.

To him, I say, the Monster is in the closet.  Come out here where it's safe.